Yet Another Chance
Ok I have a confession to make..haha. When I started on this journey there is no way I could have possibly imagined just what I was getting myself into in the most profoundly expanded and painful way.
This process of yoga, of living every moment with Consciousness to the best of my ability, is not for the faint of heart! Still, I have to say that since I began and made a commitment I have never stopped to rest on my growth or quit from pain.
Perhaps this is due to the fact that my dear mom who died 15 years ago on March 9th, was a shining example to move forward with the Current of life and to keep growing no matter what. She lived it and I was lucky enough to watch her up close and personal moving through one experience after another, and on top of it, she never stopped laughing.
Camatkara baby! (WOW and there is always more!) It is stunning the multi layers of samskara. These imprints that have marked us through life times, collective momentum in certain areas that may not serve us or others. Just as the practice of meditation and the experiences of the inner world are infinitely unfolding, so seem to be the threads of karma.
It is fascinating to see that just when you “thought” you were done working through something (haha) another layer arises. And as more and more subtle levels of contraction arise the same question arises as well “OK, what are you going to do with THIS one?” meaning, ok Michelle are you gonna quit now? Is this the place where pain and fear are gonna swallow you whole?
Well not yet. Why? Because every time I have been stopped dead in my tracks by another awareness of identification with patterns that are fruitless, I keep trudging. Because I remember the last time I made it to the other side and there was so much freedom in the choice to let it go..to really SURRENDER it to The Highest Self – and PRAY for the courage to keep moving forward.
So here I am again at the deepest place of contraction..my dear old friend .."I am unlovable and unworthy”-sounds familiar? It is so wild that the small self keeps leaving itself out. It feels easy to love others, to be compassionate, to see the Light and perfection in them, as if they were somehow “not me.” And yet just as I see them “outside" of myself, I am forgetting to see myself outside of myself. Meaning there is only one subject looking out at ALL as it’s own reflection, and that includes “me”. It is only the small self that keeps forgetting this. So as my great teachers have taught me, I again step forward with their wisdom at my back and a brighter future calling me forward.
Every time I find myself cringing and tripping, I remember again that I am NOT doing this work for myself alone. Every time I CHOOSE to re-align with my Highest Self and embrace the next thing life offers with courage and light heartedness I feel better, my 5 year old son is shifted, my kula is shifted, and the world is shifted. It is this intimate entanglement that makes it even more important to keep moving “onward and upward”.
So as one of my teachers suggested, “ Michelle, the love you feel when you look at your son, hold that feeling of love, then look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself in the same way.”
Now this is WORK! And..... I am willing to do it.