Failure or Freedom?
I am going to share something that is difficult to make clear as I am limited by language in many ways, but here it goes.
I have been noticing how strange it often seems when I can be so “sure” that “nothing” is happening on the journey of growth because ALL I can focus on is what the mind tells me is true.
Recently it became apparent that my “certainty” about my “failure” on my path was shattered in a single moment of clarity. This clarity was then supported by David Hawkins book on reality and subjectivity.
I had a concept that if I were making “progress” I would not have any anger/ pride/ fear ect., ect. ever come up and the fact that I was annoyed was “proof” that I was failing as a spiritual seeker.
What I now see is that as my “collection of karmas” began to slow down due to a deep desire for growth and experiencing the TRUTH, I was acutely aware of them.
This “slowing down” was then experienced in slow flashes of the minds concepts, and attachment, ie: “I am not worthy.”
I also saw that years ago, before the momentum of strength was built from doing years of steady practice, life was a seeming stream of continuous flow of drama, feeling, thought, ect. This seeming flow I experienced as “my life.”
When the primordial question arose- “who am I”, I gained access to the experience that the seeming continuous flow I identified as “my life” was really just flashes, or pictures being flashed onto the inner screen of a greater Awareness. This new truly steady continuous flow revealed itself as Self ,the Essence of everything, onto which those flashes were being “projected”.
The closer I get to the Essence , the slower the projector gets, and I am able to see the thoughts, concepts, and attachment in up close, and in slow motion.
As this “karmic momentum” slows down I observe what seems like being stuck in the frame of that picture. I see the issues so clearly and this can be very overwhelming. It is overwhelming because the mind has attached success or failure on to the process of growth. With this understanding I can renew my courage and persistence and continue with the practices without identifying with any labels about success or failure, but simply become aware that it is by GRACE that these frames “slow down” so I can in those moments of seeing the things that don’t serve me or others, choose freedom, and therefore surrender the thoughts, feelings, ect to our inmost Self.
It also means that as the karmic patterns slow down, MOMENTUM of ever present LOVE of the Self is building and available just behind the so called “cloud” of seeming failure.
So the more “painful” in some ways things seem due to my recognition of minds patterns, I can in that moment remember that this is not “my” mind, but “mind in general” or “collective mindness”, one part of the manifest Essence, and that these patterns are being presented in technicolor so I can shift my awareness to the continuous flow and origin of all POWER.
I can let go of the content and expand into a bigger context. In that space I see that so much MORE is going on than the mind will ever be able to comprehend and therefore rededicate myself to the desire and commitment for growth and service. It also call me to step into a deeper TRUST in the process.